Icha Icha vs the Romance Novel
by Lucillia
Summary: A student tries to write a paper comparing and contrasting Romance Novels with the genre from which the Icha Icha series comes, but the characters and a novelist hijack the show.


According to a professor of literature at the Fire Country University, there is little real difference between books such as Icha Icha Paradise and its ilk and romance novels besides labeling. Admittedly both genres are geared towards different audiences, but in both examples, boy meets girl, boy sleeps with girl, there is a conflict of some sort, and boy and girl live happily ever after in the end. While the plots of both romance novels and so called "pornographic novels" are practically the same, it is the tone that is different.

Several examples of this are:

_**The High School novel. **__In such novels, boys and girls are going through a great number of difficulties as they learn what it means to be adults and begin to prepare for life in the real world while finding love along the way._

**In a romance novel:**

Young Hiro fled through the halls with the entire football team hot on his heels. Hiro was a rather sensitive and poetic boy with flowing black hair and wide innocent gray eyes. Because of this, he was often bullied by other boys who didn't understand him or his art. Hoping to lose his pursuers, he opened a door and raced into a room that turned out to be the girl's locker room. The entire cheerleading team was inside showering and changing.

"My eyes have been sullied!" Hiro wailed. "For I have seen the flesh of women other than my beloved."

**In the other kind of novel:**

Hiro was the sort of small and scrawny boy who was always being picked on by jocks, and today was no exception. Today, it was the entire football team who were apparently planning on stripping him and tying him to a goalpoast. He blindly turned a corner and barreled through a door which turned out to be that of the girl's locker room. The entire cheerleading team was inside showering and changing after practice.

"No fair Mariko! Your breasts are bigger than mine!" One of the girls said as she compared her assets to those of the voluptuous Mariko.

"I've died and gone to heaven!" Hiro exclaimed.

_**The Historical novel. **__In Fire Country, romance novels set during the era before the founding of Konoha are exceedingly popular. A favorite of the genre deals with star crossed lovers from feuding clans._

**In a romance novel:**

"Despite the fact that our clans have thrown us out and left us destitute in this war-torn land, we shall endure my love." Uchiha Hiro said as he embraced his beloved bride who had formerly been one of the Senju, and tenderly kissed her on the forehead.

On that their wedding night, Uchiha Hiro and Senju Mariko professed their undying love for each-other and tenderly made love for the first time under the stars.

**In the other kind of novel:**

Their eyes met across the battlefield. Before Uchiha Hiro could even process what was happening, he'd been dragged into the bushes, and there were clothes flying everywhere.

"But Mariko, I thought we were supposed to be _fighting_ the Uchiha." Mariko's friend said when she had gone to see if she was alright.

"What's all this then?" A Senju battalion commander asked when he came upon the scene an hour later.

"Well, Mariko captured this Uchiha, and she, I, Rumiko, and Sakura decided to see if it was possible to kill a man with too much sex." Mariko's friend said.

"Carry on then." The battalion commander said before leaving to find a convenient tree from which he could supervise the situation.

Three days later:

"Lucky bastard." Uchiha Madara said as he tipped his cousin Hiro into his grave.

_There is another subset to the __**Historical Novel**_ _in which actual historical figures are used as main characters. Such novels do not often lend themselves well to the genre from which the Icha Icha series comes, and this seems to come down to a basic difference in interest between the target groups. It is a historical fact that Senju Hashirama was married to Uzumaki Mito, and that Uchiha Madara existed at this time. Opinions on these facts seem to differ along gender lines as illustrated by answers given to history test questions by this year's most recent Ninja Academy graduates:_

_**I should care about this why?**_

_** -Uchiha Sasuke**_

_**Troublesome.**_

_** -Nara Shikamaru.**_

_**Mizuki Sucks!**_

_** -Uzumaki Naruto.**_

_(The accompanying illustration of exactly what Mizuki sucks can be found in the included selection of photographs )_

_**Uzumaki? Was she related to Naruto-kun? Hmmm. Uzumaki Hinata. I like that. That Uchiha Madara guy looks kinda mean.**_

_** -Hyuuga Hinata.**_

_**Wow. I wish I could have been at that wedding. Madara was cute. I hope Sasuke grows up to look like him.**_

_** -Haruno Sakura.**_

_Many people seem interested in what the life of the Shodai Hokage and his wife would have been like in Konoha's early days. A good story requires conflict of some sort. Most go the easy route and use Uchiha Madara to provide that conflict. Every once in a while a very good novel such as __**Leaves of Flame**__ comes along. In that story, Hashirama Senju and Uzumaki Mito were joined in a political match and grew to know and love each-other through their struggles in the early days after the founding of Konoha, which include dealing with holdouts from amongst the Senju who were still uncertain about their alliance with the Uchiha, and dealing with an Uchiha Madara who was dealing with the loss of his younger brother, and a possible substance abuse problem. As with any good piece of art, there were a great number of substandard imitations:_

**In a Leaves of Flame imitation:**

"Honey? Why is Uchiha Madara hugging a weasel and crying?" Mito asked her husband.

"I don't know dear, but I think I should go over there and make him turn that poor Izuna loose before he smothers it." Senju Hashirama replied.

"Izuna!" Madara wailed as he clung to the small and rather unhappy weasel that was commonly known on the Continent as an Izuna even more tightly. "Why did you have to die?"

_Most romance novels however cast Uchiha Madara as a two-dimensional villain who tries to come between Hashirama and Mito, quite often because he is in love with Mito and wants her for himself..._

**In the other kind of Hashirama/Mito/Madara romance novel:**

"Help!" Uzumaki Mito wailed as Uchiha Madara moved close to her and leered as he...pulled out his script.

"Rape? That can't be right." he said as he flipped through the document. "I mean, if I'm supposed to be acting like a slightly twisted version of Snydely Whiplash, wouldn't it be more appropriate to strap a couple of explosive tags to her and tie her to a set of railroad tracks?"

With that, he untied Mito from the tree and started carrying her off.

"Where are you taking me?" she asked.

"I think there's a railroad in Snow Country." Madara replied as he set off through the forest.

"It won't be built for another thirty years." Mito replied.

"Well shit." Madara said as he set Mito down. "Can we not do the rape scene and say we did. You're cute and all, but I kinda already have a wife. How else do you think I spawned Fugaku, Sasuke, and Itachi's ancestor?"

"Okay." Mito said looking somewhat relieved. "You're kinda cute yourself, but you're not my type."

"That's fine by me. Now off with the top." Madara said.

"You're not looking at my breasts are you?" Mito asked as she partially undressed.

"Meh. I've seen better." Madara replied, getting slapped for his comment.

"Please excuse me, but I kinda actually have to touch you to tie you back to the tree." Madara said as he led Mito to the tree she'd previously been tied to, and pulled out a length of rope.

"You are aware of the fact that I'm a Kunoichi, and that I could get loose from this rope in half a second, and kick your ass, right?" Mito said.

"Not in this story you're not." Madara said as he paged through the script. "Apparently, you're supposed to stand there screaming while I tear off alot more of your clothing before Hashirama appears and...Wow, that sounds painful. You know what? I think I'm going to go and hide over there."

Madara runs. Part of being a ninja was knowing when it was best to get the fuck out of Dodge.

**The kind of Hashirama/Mito/Madara novel that would show up in the Icha Icha genre:**

"I've noticed that you and Mito haven't been as affectionate lately." Tobirama said to his brother over breakfast.

"Well," Hashirama said. "Things have gotten somewhat routine lately, and that certain spark seems to be gone."

"Perhaps experimenting with new things will bring that spark back." Tobirama suggested. "I've heard that threesomes add some interest to what would usually be a rather dull routine."

"That does sound interesting, but I have no Idea who I could ask to join us. Mito can get a little..." Hashirama replied.

"I've got the perfect person in mind." Tobirama said.

"Thanks." Hashirama said.

"No problem." Tobirama replied. "That's what brothers are for."

Three days later:

"And you're sure I have to wear this costume and a blindfold?" Madara asked Tobirama.

"Hash told me those were the rules." Tobirama said as he walked out and gave Madara the privacy to change.

"...Have no idea why people say I'm not trying. Can't believe that I have to go to a treaty negotiation session dressed like this." Madara grumbled as he changed into the costume that was in his opinion completely ridiculous. "They keep changing the rules and somehow it's _my _fault?"

"I'm ready." Madara said after he'd been properly changed and blindfolded.

"Remember." Tobirama said as he patted him on the back and pushed him into the next room. "The safe word is banana."

Huh? Safe word?

"Welcome to the den of Mistress Mito. We are going to have so much fun together. Now kneel."

Huh?

"I said kneel!"

Holy shit! Was that a whip?

"Banana! Banana!"

Why am I not making any noise? Shit. Tobirama must've put a seal on me. I'll be getting back at him for this latest insult. Poisonous snakes in his underwear drawer might do the trick. No, wait. I tried that last week and found a box of poisonous snakes in my underwear drawer marked "Return to Sender".

That afternoon, fun was had by all but Madara. Cut to ten months later at the Valley of the End.

"...And another thing!" Hashirama yelled at his opponent as he hurled several kunai wrapped in explosive tags. "My new son looks just like you!"

"That wasn't my fault!" Madara yelled back as he worked on the seal array to summon the Kyuubi. "If you and Tobirama hadn't had your wife rape me..."

_Another popular category for such novels relates to the __**Historical Novel**__ in that it brings a person from the past whether fictional or real forward to a more modern time where they find the love that was denied them in the past, as they had missed the birth of their true soul-mate._

**In a romance novel:**

"I shall defeat the Kyuubi that is attacking the home we have made together my love." Uchiha Madara boldly declared as he swept his beloved Rumiko into a final passionate embrace before setting out into the burning village he had helped found.

"I shall lead the fox away from my family, bravely sacrificing my life for my unborn son." Madara said as he swept the Yondaime aside and proceeded to save the day.

**In an Icha Icha style novel:**

"Madara! You'll really defeat the fox for me? That's so sweet!" Rumiko said before she and all of her friends pounced on him.

Uchiha Madara awoke the next morning to the sight of a pair of panties spinning about lazily on the end of one of the blades of the ceiling fan, and the sound of silence. Apparently the fox and its summoner who was the only Uchiha pathetic enough to still be living in his mother's basement at the age of forty-five had been defeated sometime during the send off Rumiko and her fifteen friends had given him.

"Well shit." Madara said. "Now how am I going to weasel my way out of all of those paternity suits?"

_Another popular time in which to place Madara is around the time of the Uchiha Massacre where he is faced with the loss of his entire clan and the woman he loves._

**In a romance novel:**

"Aiko. My light. My life. I was somehow unable to defeat that madman Itachi despite the fact that he's only thirteen, and I have had the Mangekyo Sharingan for longer than that brat was alive, and that I'm ten times stronger than him. I can never forgive myself for my failure. I don't think I can live without you my love. I shall join you in the afterlife soon."

**In an Icha Icha style novel:**

"I was thinking we could go catch that new action movie at the theatre." said the rather attractive and nearly naked blonde with the whisker marks on her cheeks who ran off every time Madara tried to get farther than first base with her.

Suddenly the door to the home of the Clan Head slammed open and a rather cranky looking Uchiha Itachi stormed out wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts and carrying a stuffed weasel.

"Shut up all of you and let me sleep!" Itachi yelled. "I've run six S Ranked missions in the last month and haven't gotten a wink of sleep in the last 372 hours. The next person who makes a sound dies!"

"That Itachi. What a Urk!" a random clan member said before he fell to the ground with his throat torn open.

Pandemonium followed.

"Great." Madara said when the carnage was all over. "Now where am I going to find 27 more sex starved housewives with frequently absent husbands?"

"Oh you poor man." A strange and wild looking woman cooed. "You lost your entire family. Come here and let Tsume make it all better."

_Another popular category for such novels are __**Future Novels.**__ Such novels are often set in a futuristic Science Fiction world where things that mystify us today are commonplace, such as cloning..._

**In a romance novel:**

Madara frowned. For some strange reason, he was floating in a vat of warm water but somehow perfectly able to breathe. As he shifted, in search of an exit, he noticed that his center of gravity was well, off center.

"Ah good. You're awake." Said a man in a white coat who pressed a button. "You will find clothing in the next room."

The water drained from the vat, and the tank opened releasing him. As Madara stepped forward, getting used to his new legs, as well as the new body which he discovered much to his horror was female, he noticed another woman clumsily stepping out of a similar tank before giving herself a not so subtle pat-down. She looked rather familiar, as did the look of absolute horror on her face.

Sitting in the next room was an outfit on which the Uchiha fan which he hadn't worn since he had left the clan had been stitched. He put it on, since the only other outfit in the room was marked with the Senju clan symbol.

He, or she rather, had just gotten his, er her pants on when the other woman entered the room. She was a dark haired, dark-eyed beauty with perfectly tanned skin. He paused to admire the woman as he'd apparently not lost his interest in the "fairer sex" along with his wedding tackle.

"So, what's your name?" The woman asked, blushing slightly, apparently liking what she saw as well.

"Uchiha Madara." he, er she replied as she moved to give the other woman a better view.

The other woman rapidly changed color before swiftly racing over to the other set of clothing and dressing at what had to be the speed of light.

Madara had a sneaking suspicion that he knew who the other woman was, and he was praying he was wrong. He hastily grabbed the script.

"Hey Madara!" the other woman said as he was opening the script.

"What?" he called back.

"My boobs are bigger than yours." the other woman who was exactly who he suspected her to be said.

"I'm out of here!" Madara yelled as he threw down the script he'd just finished paging through.

"Why?" asked the person who was apparently the author of the novel.

"I'm not going to participate in a "Love story that will make you question everything you thought you knew about Gender, Love, Hate, Friendship, and One's Identity"." Madara yelled.

"And, I'm especially not going to do it with him!" Madara continued, pointing at Hashirama who had become preoccupied with playing with his new breasts.

**In an Icha Icha style novel:**

"Oh fucking great, I'm back in the tank." Madara said. "Well, at least I've got all of the bits I should have."

The man in the white coat was back, and this time he was leading a rather petite redhead with a bust to rival Tsunade's.

"Oh pooh. I only ordered one of those." the woman said.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but the order sheet here says seven." the man in the white coat said.

"Oh well, I guess I'll bring them all home with me then." the woman said.

The man in the white lab coat went down a line and started pressing buttons on a row of tanks, and eventually Madara was released. When he left the tank, it was to find himself looking at six other somewhat surprised looking copies of himself.

"Well, follow me then." the woman said.

"Um, miss, what about clothes?" one of the Madaras asked.

"You won't be needing clothes where you're going." the woman said.

"Hey! What about me?" Hashirama yelled from his tank.

"Well frankly, I like Madara better, and with all of the crap he's been put through lately, I thought that all seven of him deserved to live happily ever after with a nymphomaniac Yoga instructor/gymnast who has half of all of the sex manuals in existence memorized." the author of the current novel replied.

"But, what about me?" Hashirama asked as he pounded on the glass.

"Hi, my name's Bubba, and I'm here to pick up my order..."


End file.
